LEAVING TEXAS

......to be continued.

12/12/12 My Wish

i dont want to be mean anymore.  i dont want to bring anger and hate to my family.  i must stop my selfish actions.  i dont want to hurt the ones i love anymore.  i want to be a good person, a loving person, someone who cares. 

my husband says..."there is only one thing i'd change about you, and that is how you feel about yourself".  who else in the world is so lucky as i to have a spouse that is so loving?  that is all i have to do to make my family happy.  if i change how i feel about myself, then this will change my behavior.  today i look back at last nite and can even more clearly see my wrongs.  i dont want this to happen anymore.  i dont want to hurt anyone or myself.  i dont want this anger and sadness anymore.  i want to spread love and understanding and overflow with love and understanding for my family.

there is so much extra stress right now because of money.  my husband should not have to deal with my insecurities as well as his stress over money.  im so sorry honey...im just so sorry.

i ask you God, please to remove all my defects of character so that i can better to thy will.  i wish to be loving and kind to my family, a strong loving stable mother to my daughter and loving sweet wife that makes my husband feel cherished and adored.  i've known them both before this life - known them forever...i see eternity in their faces...and their faces are in the middle of a merry-go-round spinning fast through space and time...i want to be in the middle with them but i find myself holding onto an outer bar with my legs hanging off of the edge and trying to hold on, trying to pull the rest of myself up to them but i keep loosing my grip.  please help me to gain my footing within myself so that i can join them.  i've always been on the outer rim - please help me to be on the inside with the two people i love most in the world.  i beg of you.

there is nothing i want more right now than to crawl into his arms and feel his warmth and love....

yesterday......

beat my head.

squeezed the bones in my fingers together until i feel pain then "stuff" my crying deep inside me.....i had to do this multiple times last nite until the crying stopped.

got into huge "leaving" fight with my husband....took a few klonapin and aparantly fell asleep and woke this morning to one leg out of my pants and bra off.....

i was still upset from last nite and got into fight with husband again after cleaning kitchen.

went into van for a while so i could have a place to cry.

came back inside and asked if he would also like to speak civilly to eachother again......he said yes.

now we are feeding outside kitties........

...as i grip the floor

-depression thru august and beginning of Sept 2012.
-sept 11 rode the wave of the change in my husband and began surfing on my own.
-1-2 weeds later exaltation fizzled and stress set back in.
- began fighting again late sept and early october.
- a few occurrances of "the threat' in late sept and through october.
- stressful aniversary.
- fighting
- feeling like i want to die again

as this is a very brief synopsis of what has happened, i am giving very little info here.

my general mood today.....staring up into mania as i grip the floor while i cry my soul out.

It Might Be Time To Grow Those Suckers On My

when i was born, i was hanging by my tippy toe to the tale end of a time….i sprung, with that toe, onto the new shelf with an acutely slanted slope - without sure footing….mutation, adaptation, evolvement into something else - just so i don't fall off.

casualties of war

thumb and blood.......back and hip..........that's what happens to both of us when my emotions slip.

sitting in the bathroom.........as i am surrounded by Dolphins upon Dolphins.......my feet lay on a bed of deep ocean blue synthetic rug.......it's already been a rough day tho see........so then suddenly from beneath the blue abyss of the floor i hear Joan Jett singing in the basement........how on earth did she make her way into my already - sort of - strangely overwhelming Dolphin sensation - but then she makes her way into my part of the sea......so what, we all had a crush on you - i was like 10 so what......you dont need to swim up on my private space....if i wanna meet up with you i'll go up into the main current, but until then keep your mouth off of my husband's radio so that i don't have to experience this again.......

you know,...it's fun to "southernize" names.....yeah it's kinda funny but spoken with a soft and slow tongue, many southerny type names are quite beautiful....like take you for your name for example, lets southernize it.....Joan....Joanie...Jolie...Jolene.....yes that's it.....actually i'm quite partial to the name Jolene.....it's beautiful....... Now see, i'm a Southern Girl myself so of course being exposed to country and western music in my formative years (actually this particular song was Olivia Newton John's fault) did draw my attention to a song in particular that i think may apply here......you know the whole thing yes i know...but just a few key notes i want to point out in a few lyrics:::::::
.......
And I can easily understand
How you could easily take my man
But you don't know what he means to me, jolene...Please don't take him just because you can.....


mmm....sad song really.

---------------------------------
it is my prayer, it is my sin,..... it is my crime, it is my punishment,........ my penance? as with so many things i do ripple upon those around me, i can't help but see Dolores's demise as a trumpet call of what i do not know yet. Dolores, you died new years....what does this mean.....? i will bury you under a rose bush variety named Blue Moon.....magnificent beautiful blue.......gentle friend.....spark sister......i will miss you and your love. i am so very, very sorry.
---------------------------------

summer solstice

longest day of the year and i spent it alone.......everyone was in dreamland except the bees.

another day of up and down

another meltdown triggered by me realizing that my body cannot do everything it used to.....my pelvis, my legs, my ovaries, my arm, the chemicals.....my brain .......they are killing us all and i'm so angry......i'm not really truly frightened of it anymore....i'm just so hurt and angry.

TOTEM

so i received my message from the ladypig at 6am............i just now realized that epiphany is january 6.....6 confirms that this is indeed my epiphany........digger pig's birthday is january 6, 2006 - that means 1 + 6 + 2 + 6 = 15 = 1 + 5 = 6 ; the messengers come to me as ducks and pigs ; and digger pig is my pig pig....my ephiphany pig.... ; in jr. high school print shop class i made hundreds of notepads that displayed, in the bottom corner, a small drawing i made of a pig next to some mushrooms and flowers. i used those notepads for years ; "Save the Pigs" was my rally and i didnt eat any form of pork again until my 20's. ; the date is 1 + 9 + 2 + 1 = 13 = 1 + 3 = 4...as long as i can rember, i have been obsessed by the numbers 2 and 4 - then the 3's and the 13's later in my 20's....my long time key has a number 4...does the 4 signify that i will understand all this on a 4 day like today?....the key is me and the lock and keys are the family......im looking at my necklace that has the 4 key - on one side it has a 4 and a D.....on the other side it has a 4 and a J. Dennis James - - on the same necklace is a silver moon and star pendant with an amyethist crystal attached...which brings to my attention the color purple - the cop that came to help me at the hospital was wearing purple latex gloves, purple duck tape...ive been noticing the color purple a lot lately - particularly noticing that it is paired with colors that particularly clash.....the moon has a very clearly defined and odd looking left eye....i take it that's a confirmation of ojosdelaluna. why i would choose to keep the key and the moon pendant together i do not know but i put them together in Texas before we moved and i take them out today and notice that the two items clearly represent Dennis and i...i believe....and that i purposely and unknowingly attached these items to eachother so far in advance...to take them out now and see for yourself that time really doesnt exist - i hate hate it but somehow the movie "the lakehouse" is involved and a missed sex - sandra bullock - (im still working on this). im exhausted....i havnt slept....im dizzy and have a sucking feeling in my brain....i'm so happy right now.

A Promise to a Pig ... ducks and pigs ... smells like an epiphany....

tonite, around 6 o'clock in the morning, i had a mega intense realization and message reception. i had asked for guidance the previous day. the messenger was a pig.....a ladypig - who screamed her message to me...begging. i wish, with all my heart, to honor her and all others who have

the ring on my lip will be to remind me of the promise i made to myself - that i can no longer endure the taste of suffering - nothing unholy will pass this ring and go into my body.

the book to act as a guide in helping me attain physical wellness.

but the Swarovski crystal lucky pig ornament....now it makes sense.........oh dear,... holy shit...and wowww!

Acorns and Eagles

not government acorns but spiritual acorns --- thrice they have appeared........first one alone, the next two are found side by side.....eagle seen by both of us on a special day............

--------------------------------------------------------

i wait all day, every day, on pins and needles....waiting to see if sex will occur.

it excites me and makes me feel so special when you ask me something.......anything.

i think i misake pain for pleasure....therefore i am unable to enjoy a gentle touch....it's like feeling no sensation and receiving only frustration.

i wish i didnt want to enjoy myself so much................

OCTOBER 3,........

the day my Mama died.....2005

the day Zoe and I left Texas......2009

2010.......................?

-------last nite...in the middle of the nite,....Digger and I were sleeping in bed - Digger on Dennis's pillow - suddenly he jumped up and scrambled to the opposite side of the bed and looked all around as if something startled him. Digger decided to lay across my feet and sleep there instead - he refused to lay back down on Dennis's pillow . since i was awake i decided to just glance over in the direction in which he became startled and found that i was too unnerved due to the face, shadows and soft inaudible voice i was perceiving. i turned the tv on to serve as distraction and i dozed off - only to be awakened by the watchful eye that patrols the hallway outside the bedroom door.

scrambled brains and ham

About Last Nite........................
extreme pressure and mind scrambling....i felt movement within my brain. something was being activated remotely.

machines in his eyes; - i told him i saw them. they were scanning me and sending back info to the "mainframe". he told me he's not the gov...and that he is a messenger of god instead and was quite defensive about it.

About This Morning.......................
the planet's funniest animals; - tool for conditioning and mind numbing - televised animal abuse.

too much pork im sure....of which human meat makes up a high percentage of the pork product market....particularly sausage type processed meats.

just take it a little bit at a time - too fat to fuck (reverse decision)

my periods have stopped since my miscarriage in late June. i had light spotting in early September.....and a couple of days ago i had an ovarian cyst rupture in the middle of the nite. i crave so very badly........as usual.......nothing seems to satisfy me........i dont even think that if i had intense, painful and mind blowing sex every single day; i dont think that would even render my cravings a period of cessation. i'm writing notes to my love now.....like a girl in jr. high.......but i cant speak of the things i think about.....i can only write about them.....and only on paper - so that it may be easily crumpled and lost - possibly thrown away accidentally; possibly tossed asunder and rendered captive by a piece of unfrequently moved furniture for years and years and only found after my death------when it will all be too fucking late.

i cry - full of sin and sadness - as i write all of this.

so often.....every day.....i just want to fuck blindly.....fuck for the sake of fucking.....fuck so i can feel the physical sensations that are involved with the mamalian reproductive process that is involved for my species....fuck because it feels so fucking good.....fuck because my body craves the sensations.....and fuck because it gives my sexual organs the much needed exercise that they need in order to function properly.

just a quick observation that i've recently noticed.......funny how when i was a child....lets say beginning with infancy and ending at age 17, i couldnt keep them off of me. their hands, their mouths, their bodies, their penises,......it always seemed like i was always in a state of having to defend myself - always trying as hard as possible to keep my thighs tightly shut so that i could not be welcoming any hand or finger - mouth or penis - always making sure that i wasnt accidentally asking for it.

sara.....just take it a little bit at a time baby...just a little bit at a time.

i know there are so many people out there who want to fuck and suck all nite until their bodies are exhausted and raw....i am one of them....i want to be violently fucked for hours...the way it used to be before i was old enough. i want by body to be animalistically desired that way again.......i think. i say this,....but sometimes he scares me even if he's very gentle.....so this makes no sense to either one of us......

since u got a little bit more than u asked for........

processing?.........i'm a goddamn self-contained slaughterhouse of thought and memory.

hope you're up for the challenge,.....my love.

sin

a way to heal a wound that cant be seen.....

a chance to nurture me......

i make the outside match what's within.....

...my most mortal sin.

falling

things fall into place,......so perfectly-

so soft is the cradle,......so soothing-

can you hold me forever,.....you promised........-

im terrified.......im shaking.

lock and key

so many years have passed since i found that special key. in all these years ive received key after key from friend and stranger alike.....and until today, i had never received a lock.

in the basement, ....like children we go explooring....he pulls out a lock and gives it to me.....tells me he came upon it haphazardly.....then pulls a pair of keys from the closet and gives them to me.....tell me boy, what does this all mean....

new things in my life...........

a boy that is a man,
a real home,
my child being completely provided for,
sexual activity (new version),
whiskey (reprise),
gardening (reprise),
feeling more terrified than ever before in my life.........

...more to follow.

I am beginning to settle in a bit and i am very restless. a little on the depressed side. i am slow and sleepy yet my thoughts race. i feel overwhelmed yet underwhelmed and i'm confused about my place in this world. I know i am here as protector and provider for Zoe, I just wish i felt more confident in my abilities to provide.

Im Sorry Im Not Like I Used To Be.

im scared to talk.

things took a turn for the worse.

im trying to grab a hold......

im trying to feel my way back with a new pair of glasses

today i move......

moving to sacramento, october 3......full moon, harvest moon.......around or on the day my mother died (i'll have to check)......time of reaping what i have sown.

i had to have nothing, before i could appreciate something.

i ran into the butlers today at the vet's office......we made good peace....they looked full of light......they told me to come by .......i told them i'd be happy to help anytime around the holidays ....they said to come by.

animal maintenance.......went relatively well....considering.

my house stinks of dead tooth.......

THE SICK CHICKEN

Yesterday
found a chicken tumor in my chicken....it was in the breast....it was rubbery and gross.....i hated it.....i wanted to examine it....but i was driving......i hated it......the whole chicken tasted weird and the meat was super sub par....the taste was very off.......KFC gave me a sick chicken....

in the nite....hell hath fury upon my teeth and dealt a blow of pulsating madness upon my swollen face....upper right wisdom tooth horror.....

Michelle needs a new heater core.....she's worth so much more....i love her.....she gives back to me so much love in exchange for gasoline.....slowly my dear, slowly we will get there, bit by bit i'll get u healthy again....

hummingbird magic

while washing my dishes outside, i noticed a large flying bug....then i noticed it wasnt a bug...it was a small bird - a humming bird rather. as i sprayed the water from the hose into the air, i noticed that the bird was getting closer and closer to the water stream. i kept the stream as still as possible so that the bird could discover at his/her own leisure. the bird kept a steady position as it fluttered its wings - thoroughly soaking itself. it bathed for a long time and then eventually decided to dry off and hop around in the pecan tree a few feet away.

right now time is flying.

I absolutely, most definitely do wish a tooth abscess on my worst enemy. it is a most horrific experience and should be reserved only for the worst of the worst criminals to endure.

Painfully Beautiful

last week......

a young man came to my house asking if i knew who the owner was of a very old female dachshund....i took a look at her and i did not recognize her. i told the young man that if he cannot find the owner he can bring her back to me if he cannot keep her. a couple days later, he was back at my door with the dog....i told him i will either keep her or find a more suitable home.

right away it was very clear how old she was and she was also clearly deaf. she was quite fat and had an adorable personality. truly...a great dog. i just knew that...with my plans to move in the spring and also with her age surely bringing a multitude of health problems, ....i was unprepared to properly care for all her future needs. i set to work right away at finding her a proper home.....particularly before i had a chance to become very attached.....(i was already picking her up and cuddling and kissing her on the face)....(DANGER...DANGER...ATTACHMENT...HEARTBREAK....FIND NEW HOME IMMEDIATELY!!!) so yeah....i didn't waste any time.....

actually, the next day i got a reply from a family that seemed like the perfect fit. i spent a good deal of time on the phone with the mother and it was very clear....this is going to be her forever family. i was overjoyed.

zoe and i met the mom and the 2 kids...13 and 16....in a parking lot in Allen to meet and greet. the moment i brought the dog out of the car the 13 yr old sun reached out for her and scooped her up with professional snorggle luvin....he murmured between sobs....."Mom,.....she looks just like my Maggie...oh Mom" and he cried more.......this boy held her so securely and lovingly and the dog weaved her long snout through the maze of the wavy, fire red hair on this boy. he kissed her face and looked into her eyes and said..."i love you so much sweetie".......well...if that's not meant to be,...i don't know what is.

i blubbered quite a bit over this and we all just hugged and it was a truly positive experience. i felt so good about what i had done. ............. until i got home..........

it was about 15 minutes after i returned home when an elderly man knocked on my door......i came out to greet him. still riding on the high from the earlier rehoming success i was all smiles and happy faces when he asked me his somber question...."i heard that you are the one who might have my sweet old girl....do you have my sweet girl?" i felt my entire body split in half right down the middle starting with my skull. think quick..quick .. quick!!!........i deflected responsibility stating that a friend took her for me because it wasn't working out and i cant get a hold of her, and how "i sure hope she hasn't found a new home for her yet." oh man i felt soooo awful. he told me how much he missed her and how everytime there is a storm she gets out and wanders off, and how he needs to fix her pen so she cant get out anymore...and how this happens all the time....how she's 15 yrs old and he's had her since she was a pup etc, etc. hmm......i felt really very bad, but i can assure you, this dog will never, ever again be "getting out during a storm"...ever again, nor will she be "in a pen". i got an email from her new family saying how she found her favorite "special bed" in the son's room...(i had a feeling about those 2).....when she has medical problems she will be going to the vet......they are not at all annoyed by her deafness and they have money and other rescued dachshunds and rescue cats that she's all made fast friends with.....

i cried and cried over this because i felt so bad for the old guy......but see if i had Digger Piggs outside in a pen.....and he got out all the time.....someday i would not expect to ever see my dog again and it would be my own fault.....that is why i keep my Piggy inside cuz i dont want to ever, ever loose him. nobody is perfect...by any means....but this is my reasoning....the way i have to look at this situation in order to not destroy myself emotionally.

i think i did the right thing......i feel i did the right thing.......life is hard....and life sucks....but it can be beautiful ......painfully beautiful.

foremost in my mind currently are the deaths of my mother, family and pets.....and what part i played in it.

it's so hot outside...it's seering, and in my eyes i am tearing
that cat is a chicken...and my fingers im a licking
6/23/09.......(2)......
im gonna cast a spell on you

med change today...(my request).\\..positive.....lithium 450mg/, haldol 2mg/, all else same.

there is so much to do....where do i even start

monday, june 22, 2:02pm

i feel that the most recent transformation begins now....summer is my season afterall....i'm going to really try to work hard this season

black comedy

i planted marigolds today....lemon drop...

very very bright and very hot today

the longest day of the year

the world...my world.... - is a laboratory equipped for analysis of connections and collections.

schedule and repetition is vital for me to function and proceed.

guilt and shame, im sick of this game

the key is self improvement...operating on a higher vibration...rising up....small improvements open new paths and new opportunities for empowerment, self realization, love and knowledge.


muscle ....shattered......broken and tossed asunder.....muscle rebuilding itself .....repairing from previous injury.....splinting the break or tear so that it does not fall back into it's previously injured position.....the shattering regrows stronger....need to feed the proper nutrients to assist in positive regrowth......if infection sets in, it creates a scar or lesion that is irriversible........

i speak and think in jazz....erratic jazz....but without the pleasure of music.

taking a guess

as i freed the limbs of a tree that was pinned by another that had been struck down during a storm.....as i released it's outstretched arms a vibrant male cardinal flew over to the tree that had fallen and landed on a limb....he turned and fluttered and chirped at me to get my attention then flew away ......he was inches from my hands and wasnt a bit scared....he was communicating with me...i think to say something in relation to the bird i euthanized this morning.....this morning when i viewed the bird, i heard so many birds shouting alert calls and they were clearly upset over their captured friend.....perhaps the cardinal was sending a thank you to me....telling me he apprecited what i did....just my guess...

TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD.......i want to try a new reality

a dream of zombies - being chased by zombies - turns out it was just a very convincing movie

feeling very alone....feeling like im very on my own.....

outside kitty caught a young mockingbird and it was injured beyond repair....desperately struggling for help it wearily bobbed it's head begging for help as kitty tormented it....with a couple hard whacks of the machete i ended it's suffering so that it wouldnt have to endure anymore death play.....outside kitty went right to eating. i did this without hesitation which is what makes me so nervous. am i killing...or am i ending suffering? it takes very little effort to take the life of a tiny creature....am i doing it a favor or am i doing something else (of which i dont know what it is)....i do know that it invades my dreams....it reoccurs in daily life (various situations that involve killing, euthanizing, accidental death, murder...). is this because i live in "the country" or is it because this is part of the reason why i'm here on this earth...part of my life lessons....to encounter death so intimately....to watch the intense suffering that, i for some reason am cursed to witness, occurs preceding death - then to look upon the bruised, shattered and screaming remains of what is now a gory display of a corpse after the soul has left. death was not silent or peaceful for anyone or any creature that i have had witness to it's passing. my mother's death was somewhat peaceful during her last few minutes of life - only because she had so much morphine and other drugs in her system to help her not be physically conscious of her passing...but she still wanted to breathe...she still tried i think.....for me........as i looked upon her empty body her skin quickly began to change color and reveal the physical trauma that it had suffered within the last month....i had to leave her side sooner than i would have liked but only so that my last view of her wouldnt be of her face turning blue....it was beginning so quickly and i had to go within a few minutes...do other people encounter so much death?....are other people so directly involved in the death of loved ones and pets?....my father was never able to be present during an animal euthanization....arent men supposed to be stronger than women? what lesson am i to learn from all this? my mother always told me to read or see the movie - to kill a mockingbird - to this day i still dont know what it is about - but i performed the act myself....perhaps this is my own version....my own story.


ive had very low energy for days. not really sad or depressed....tho when something bothers me it's more intense. need coffee to have energy.......no periods.....severe itching from excessive mosquito bites that drives me into neurosis.

phone call

june 13...i woke up and right away thought of my father. i called his cell and left a message saying that .....hi, i've been meaning to call and say hello and today is your birthday so happy birthday and i hope u have a good one and i hope everyone is ok there and i hope you are ok and i wish you the best on your birthday and call me whenever you have time sometime and i love you goodbye..... i havnt talked to my father since late 2008.... i still havnt received a return phone call from june 13.....he's still paying the $20/month phone bill for zoe and i on his family plan....but he wont talk to me......he doesnt want to talk to me......

perceptions

info from the right ear premonition - positive - controlled - future - higher vibration

info from the left ear babble - negative - no control - past - lower vibration


started 3 sisters garden today...about 1 in the afternoon....i sat under the pecan tree as i worked the ground into a mound in which i planted corn and peas. how exciting. i cant wait to see what happens....i hope my hose setup doesn't have problems. the way it is now makes a bit of gardening such a joy.

im not manic right now....could this be normal? or a medicated depression?.....i'm having strange dreams...i welcome distraction....

some perception

the other nite i got a clear visual impression while on the phone with a friend.....red flower buds about to bloom in a green field. the feeling i had was very different when perceiving this than when i perceive what i have currently concluded to be lifeforms that exist on a different vibrational plane. both are as real as reality and both exist....but have different sensations....i found that i moved one perception to the side while working with the other. im so glad that i was able to see such a pleasant picture as the red flowers. now i somewhat know what it looks and feels like to perceive something over the phone with my friend. i think it takes tiny steps and little lessons.....it takes an entire puzzle full of experiential pieces to be able to percieve and manipulate how i want....im opening up bit by bit.

what happens when someone is going thru a mental health crisis?  their family helps them.  their neighbors and/or friends help them.  their Dr. office should be able to help.  i have noone NEAR me that can help.  i am alone in this.  i'm taking care of a child on my own with no help.  i am on SSDI - government disability insurance.  my SSDI income is poverty level, however i'm extremely thankful to recieve it.  i am so very fortunate in that i own my house and have no monthly payments.  i only pay property taxes, however it would be in my best interest to get homeowners insurance.  i dont see how it's even possible for someone in my condition to manage to maintain survival thru all of this.  i'm not even going into the details about the conditions of my electrical and plumbing, lack of a kitchen and even basic home needs.  it's very upsetting. 

DREAM

war with Korea, people running to Mexico and are met with "enemy" at the border crossing who are strapping bombs to their small children - they have the children run up to the cars to blow people up, massive military action, california passed emergency law allowing people to openly carry handguns, complete disintigration of society, massive abuses by military against young girls and boys...rape on a massive scale, planes landing on highways and in fields

HALLUCINATIONS 

voices in the room are inaudible but very present - i see small bodies, about 6 - 10 inches tall, dark grey and fat with horns and red glowing eyes on my table about 3 of them.......hallucinations are invading my dreams now - during my dream i hallucinate - i hear voices and see things just as i do in my waking hours........

MHMR

FIRST CALL - MHMR in Bonham, TX......Sandy (office manager) - i called to ask to speak to a nurse because i am not doing well because of medication adjustment and im suicidal and self-harming.  she asked my name and i told her and she asked what was going on and i again told her what i'd already told her and she asked for more symptoms.  i asked if she was a nurse and she said "no, i am the office MANAGER".  i told her i dont feel comfortable talking to someone who is not medically trained about my severe issues and that i need to speak to a nurse.  she told me "we dont have to get funny now".  i informed her that this is not the proper way to deal with a mental patient, much less one that is in the middle of a crisis.  i told her that i am going to report her to the patient rights advocate and that i hope she's enjoyed her stint as office MANAGER because her ass will be fired shortly.  the rest of the conversation consisted of her elevated voice barking at me with a condescending tone.  i hung up.

SECOND CALL - MHMR in Sherman, TX.....receptionist - i called crying about what had just happened with Sandy in the Bonham office.  i told the receptionist that my meds were being adjusted and things were going very, very bad.  i pleaded to be transfered to the nurse, even if it's just the voicemail.  the receptionist was nice and put me on hold.  she came back a couple minutes later and i heard her voice for only 1 second then she hung up on me.   of course this was accidental but it sure did feel very bad.  

THIRD CALL - MHMR Bonham, TX.......receptionist Debbie - i called and asked to speak with Sandy.  Debbie told me that she was on a call and could she help me instead.  i told Debbie that i wanted to ask her if she believes in God and that if she does she is going to hell.  Debbie was very sweet and very concerned and called me "hun" and "sweetie" over the course of our conversation.  i told her briefly what Sandy had said to me and what problems i'm having.  Debbie referred me to the crisis line and gave me the number and said "now sweetie are you sure ur gonna call that number"?  i told her i would....but i didn't.  

it took everything i had not to drive to the Bonham MHMR and physicallly assault that horrid, evil bitch.

MAKE IT STOP!

im angry...very very very very angry....im overwhelmed...im upset.......   wrongdoings and misunderstandings, unexplainables and misinterpretations weigh so heavily on my mind to the point where my thoughts are obsessive and intrusive.....i'm talking to the air and gesturing at people that arent there....playing out scenarios and drafting past and future conversations......im just so very angry.....i cant stop shaking my leg...i cant stop chattering my teeth and biting my lip.....i just cant stop...period.  if only i could just sleep and let it rest a bit but that wont happen either.....i just took 2 sleeping pills so i will definally be getting some sleep tonite....however there wont be any rest.....there is no relaxation, even in sleep, when im like this.  the documentation and journaling i started out doing with this manic episode has twisted into a jumbled confusion.  i cant stop this constant motion of my body......i feel like i could run 20 miles down the highway...now...and i truely want to do that...now.  my racing thoughts are just a bit slowed during this episode....i think the trileptal is working a bit...but this anger....i have sooo much anger.  it scares me...and it should scare everyone else....i'm deadly

recent visit

had a fun visit with Alex .....walked around in the noon sun, frolicked around in the berry bush vine things, observed maturing vegetables in the garden, ran into a creepy wierdo, signed some papers, played with lots of kitties.....it was fun......i love adventures and visits!

a must see video of the little duckling cat......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2aRAG86ykR4

i notice that i have my special powers during times of intensity...wether it be deep thinking, exhaultation, deep and bottomless sadness, intense and extreme peace and serenity.....i dont notice it happening with a balanced mental state.  when i'm balanced, relaxed and alert i dont recall ever noticing anything ... special.  

lets see what materials i have already......

sawdust, dirt, wood, grass, sticks,

how can i do what i want with what i already have?

i got a lot done today.....organized the sunroom...did some arranging....washing....cleaning.....most of it took place while on the phone with Anna....she had a very bad day....life is so sucky sometimes......

consolidation

today i have consolidated all my blogs into one.  i find that this site works best for me and will continue here from now on.  i find the white background of the first posts to be very annoying and i am unable to remove them due to soem cut and paste issue...it's fine, i will be continuing on with the settings i prefer.....i don't know yet if i will go back to my livejournal posts.  i think i'll check it out now.

the problem with today...

i'm having very negative mental imagery and thoughts today.  i woke up irritated and snaped at zoe.  then i watched assisted dog breeding on youtube which made me pretty upset.  i wish i could stop the negative aspect of my thoughts right now.  it's tiring.

mother's day festivities

mother's day began with a grumpy child - due to staying up all nite - and a bit of bickering......  next, while i was trying to get ready for the day a nuisance person stopped by to beg for a bowl...after the irritation of him had left my premises...i continued my efforts to ready myself for the day....    it was then, while sitting in the doorway of the side porch, that i heard the hard and loud THUD noise.....  i looked up to see a silver truck driving off and in it's wake a flopping animal in the road.   another highway casualty....   i summoned Zoe to bring the garden cart out to the highway to remove the animal - my purpose of removing it from the road was to decrease any temptation for my dog's special investigations activities.....i dont want to be dragging him off of the highway either......so we discovered it was an extremely large orange and white male cat....which is apparently the father of my beloved Rebekah (according to Alex)........   we carted him back to our graveyard and gave him a temporary burial until tomorrow.  we came back inside and i finished up my makeup......then discovered that Zoe had fallen asleep.....hehe...figures....u know what...i take all these events as a sign that something would have gone wrong today if we had gone out.....everything happens for a reason.......we decided Mother's Day is tomorrow...when things are less crowded....is it right....i dunno..but it is what it is.....

water and electricity follow the same path - joining together to make a wider and more easily maneuverable stream....

they hammer....they speak out.....the 2 men working in the living room discussing how to finish the construction on the walls.  they go on about personal matters...as much as men do.  this is what i feel through the vibrations in the floor...what i hear with my ears.....and what i can see with my eyes.......frightened and eager to confront the trespassers i quickly run to the room....no one......i race over to the window to see who's truck in in the driveway.....none....only my car and silence whispering through the harsh sun.  maybe all the rains...all the humidity....maybe it all provided the right conditions for a manifestation from the spirit realm....perhaps the addition of electric and ion change because I've turned on the a/c window unit......perhaps these conditions make it more conducive for me to perceive energies....whatever it is...it's working.

so much rain....downpour...the soundings of sonic booms....green and yellow hues to color life reviews....magic encounters upon multiple hours...

choices

a question of life.....a question of what is my place.......how do i choose life or death within the realm of animal guardianship........

so i volunteered to foster a special needs kitten...

on religion...

we are the very privileged owners of a brief spark of consciousness and we therefore have to take responsibility for it.     ian mcewan

easter

thinning out peaches ...... jesus cried his wee eyes out all nite here in north texas because of the ovehwhelming conservative christian majority and thier antics

........so for celebration all the church easter egg hunts will be a bloody and muddy mess with frolicing little girls and boys wearing mud covered white clothing

the day's light

beautiful light....shining through trees....a day of fresh animal faces.....nature shows bright.

frustration

she showed me that not only I struggle with gloom and frustration, but others close to me do as well. she rolled her eyes and walked off when I said that I felt like in my case it was abusive.....is it because I am a mother?

pain

horrible pain .... pelvic pain .... ovary, siatic, hip joint and back disk pain .... severe muscle spasms in back. pain has centered mostly in the right hip area. lots of tingling feeling .... like the sensation of blood filling capillaries and veins .... trying to feed starving muscles. very heavy bleeding on Friday and Saturday. it rained Friday, Saturday and Sunday....off and on. hail on Sunday nite. thinking about birth control pills again. gotta do something.