TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD.......i want to try a new reality

a dream of zombies - being chased by zombies - turns out it was just a very convincing movie

feeling very alone....feeling like im very on my own.....

outside kitty caught a young mockingbird and it was injured beyond repair....desperately struggling for help it wearily bobbed it's head begging for help as kitty tormented it....with a couple hard whacks of the machete i ended it's suffering so that it wouldnt have to endure anymore death play.....outside kitty went right to eating. i did this without hesitation which is what makes me so nervous. am i killing...or am i ending suffering? it takes very little effort to take the life of a tiny creature....am i doing it a favor or am i doing something else (of which i dont know what it is)....i do know that it invades my dreams....it reoccurs in daily life (various situations that involve killing, euthanizing, accidental death, murder...). is this because i live in "the country" or is it because this is part of the reason why i'm here on this earth...part of my life lessons....to encounter death so intimately....to watch the intense suffering that, i for some reason am cursed to witness, occurs preceding death - then to look upon the bruised, shattered and screaming remains of what is now a gory display of a corpse after the soul has left. death was not silent or peaceful for anyone or any creature that i have had witness to it's passing. my mother's death was somewhat peaceful during her last few minutes of life - only because she had so much morphine and other drugs in her system to help her not be physically conscious of her passing...but she still wanted to breathe...she still tried i think.....for me........as i looked upon her empty body her skin quickly began to change color and reveal the physical trauma that it had suffered within the last month....i had to leave her side sooner than i would have liked but only so that my last view of her wouldnt be of her face turning blue....it was beginning so quickly and i had to go within a few minutes...do other people encounter so much death?....are other people so directly involved in the death of loved ones and pets?....my father was never able to be present during an animal euthanization....arent men supposed to be stronger than women? what lesson am i to learn from all this? my mother always told me to read or see the movie - to kill a mockingbird - to this day i still dont know what it is about - but i performed the act myself....perhaps this is my own version....my own story.


ive had very low energy for days. not really sad or depressed....tho when something bothers me it's more intense. need coffee to have energy.......no periods.....severe itching from excessive mosquito bites that drives me into neurosis.